...nearly as perfect as 2+2=4

There there my young friend. It’s been a day hasn't it. Upon this dreary road. The waning light of midnight comes and goes and you are still awake. Staring at purple walls waiting for an idea to save your soul. There. yes. maybe? is that an idea? nope you are just a blank art-hole of nothing-ness. Your soul floundered around and fell and gave in to the logical exactness or 2+2=4. god damn so satisfying you are. to be so fucking exact as 2+2=4. There is no debate. No arguing. just a string of perfection that will always be true. Even when entropy expands to the eventual state of infinity, and our atoms are so far apart we won’t know if anything else exists. Even at this point...2+2 will still equal 4.

What did you do today young man? give it back to me know. Recount it with that mathematical precision you tout so much day in, and day out. Did you meet someone new? Did you make progress towards your goal? Did you take what seconds you were afforded today, and apply them to your life in a way that might mean something? or did you stay? Indoors and watch purple walls with an indifferent face? Did you count down each second wondering if it’s time to die, and leave this mortal plane? Or did you watch the rain? wondering if maybe you've seen this rain before. Has this water fallen before? maybe it fell in Nebraska and watered the crops? Maybe it swam in a blue whale's mouth and now as currents do, it parachutes down on you. As you sit and waste another day. Wondering where to go from here.

What did you eat today? did you try that new recipe that you said you should? or did you go with tacos again. tacos? ah..ok.. Did you drink. Did you open that cold one cause it’s that time of day of week of month? To crack a cold one with the boys. Did you watch the white foam froth up from the lid as it does and let that first taste dribble down your chin with an exalting sigh? if that aint living I don't know what is. Did you young man? Punch your liver in the guts just to not have to face your feelings again? Did you numb your mind to the thoughts that keep a wake? Drown out the fears of dying like an old man alone in a boat out at sea. Blind your eyes to the progress of your goal. Disappointment is easier to take, when you leave your conscience at the door. Crack another cold one my boy and try to get to that goal.

There isn't anyone here. It’s just you and purple walls and 2 beers plus two more equal 4. You haven't been writing my dear boy. Why is that? have you forgotten what you had to say? Did you give up and grow old? Do you remember where the heat and the heart and the madness grows? did that lump on your head finally bleed out on the brain and leave you as just another sailor out to sea? Or did she just go and get married and pregnant and so far from you, you can't even remember if it was real. Was she real? Entropy always increases. A systems energy always increases. the only constant is change. There are no more big games, it’s just an endless tunnel of monthly payments and working harder and harder and hoping your stocks come in. Hoping that you can retire and watch your..kids? grow. wait. There isn’t a river here, it’s an ocean, and its encompassing everything. And I’m not sure how the purple walls fit in here. And the 2 and the 2 and the 4 and they are here too. But nothing else. Constant. chaos. Disassociation at a level not seen before. If you keep daydreaming, they will start to notice. You haven't had your head in the game in years. You are a lifeboat sailor flying to nowhere, and the rain has fallen practically every fucking day since you stopped caring. You just show up and go home, back to purple walls and purple dreams. And you don't have to try and because you don't try you are ok with losing. I mean you didn't try right...losing is obvious. it’s as obvious as that 2+2 thing we keep bringing back up. O boy my man here we are right? right in the thick of it. Exactly what you wanted. You wanted peace and quiet. so, everyone left you alone. And went about their own damn lives and living and you are like ok I ready for this Time OUT to end. but that’s the whole point. You can take a time out. But you can't choose when to get back in the game.

So young man, we are still here. A weird eclectic combination of our past regrets and hopes for the future. A concoction of good and bad memories lighting the path forward to ends unknown. But tis getting late and the light will be up again soon, and all the stories worth telling happened with the lights on, and the heartbeat thumping along at this chaotic rhythm. How many days has it been now? 3 months without a drink. A laughingstock for sure, but I guess recording that kind of makes it sound like a problem. It’s not a problem, it’s just a lifestyle change. Oh, I see... I thought this was a soliloquy and not a dialog? but I digress. It’s about bringing out your real guts. Stepping into the ring with a clear head for a change. Remembering every detail. Like you did back then. Before you started down the well. The night you took up the pen cause your thoughts were racing so hard through your mind you could not hold on to your sanity. So long from that moment where a torrent flow of thoughts that couldn't be controlled...became now controlled in the light. With no substances to aid. It’s just maturity? isn't it. Realizing what matters. who matters. and why the rest should or shouldn't matter. That’s the human conscious at its finest. Deciding good. Deciding bad. basement foundational premise there kid! nearly perfect I must say. nearly 2+2=4 good. Well done! Clap! want a beer to celebrate? you deserve it... aww forget it you will get here eventually. And when you do, we will sort it all out.

Alright. kid. I gotta go now. so, take it easy. and I'll see you soon.

...set me free tonight

A knife by any other name would still cut so sharp. A name is a name and I am in the game again. Let's act like this is just another weekly update. And everything that's occurred for the last 18 months is just behind us. Are you cool with that? I sit here at your behest. At the mercy of those who read and waste their time on my droolings of conscience thought. Here in the present, the ever present present.
Sometimes when I get a good line on paper i throw my hands up and clap a single time, its a fucking congratulations , a personal victory for writting a line that hit a point. Or something that seemed to mean something, at least at that moment in time. It's today, man. 2021. That's kind of terrifying in a way. I am having one of those wake up touch the fourth dimension minutes right now. I am alive still. Whether that's a good idea or not is not for me to know.
I was cutting down a tree in my front yard today, and it had these thorns on its branches that were like 3-4 inch spikes that seemed to slice thorugh my gloves and clothes and everything and the fucking thing kept stabbing me and it was all good and everything because it was the first time in a while that i felt anything.
I watched the first season of goliath on amazon prime over the memorial day weekend and there was a line in it that got me thinking. it had something to do with the "Opposite of love not being hate, but rather being indifference."  and it made so much fucking sence that i hd to write about. Think of a person, you can love them completely, or be completely oblivious to their existence. I was like NAH! love and hate are a spectrum. You can love someone completely, or you can hate them completely/. Like a line from -100 to 100, with indifference clocking in somewhere around 0. But, that's not accurate. Because a lot of the people I feel hatred for in my life, I also love. so it can't be a singular scale. It has to be two different things that don't interact at all.
you can love some thing and hate something completely. at the same time. Think two scales that go from 0 to 100. simultaneously. that's it. that's the truth, and yeah...that shit is truth.
I took the whole week off work this week, and last friday on my last day before vacation my boss came and started talking to me very intimately. asking what my plans are and fanning interest and all that. and I didn't have many answers to what I was doing. I mean if I told the truth that I was planning on drinking beer and playing video games and eating pulled pork and pulling my own pork for 8 days straight, was a "plan", he'd well...he'd probably never ask me again what i was doing for my vacation which would be a good thing. The part I think he was worried about was the part where I spent a few days looking for a new job. testing the waters while the halls of Babylon rot from within. I hailed cesar and continued on with my own shit. It's true tho. I am currently on day 4 of said vacation and i did get some yard work done, but besides that i have drank and ate and watched goliath and played videogames. and thats about it...and it has been fucking wonderfull....wether you are reading between the lines or not. I have been thinking of making a change. I'm 33 and going nowhere in my current job. regardless of my current position, i think the point i'm trying to make is that i hate interviewing, and it's the only thing that holds me back... from what tho, i don't actually know...its just money right, should i be focusing on climbing the corporate ladder or should I be focusing on  being happy and starting a family and finding a fight worth taking up? I don't really know. both? i think thats an accetable answer too, both and everything and nothing, and be happy and make millions and be happy, and don't get too fucking stressed.
I miss writing. I miss having a voice in the abyss of the internet, but long form updates are ever harder and harder to write, and the idea that I might be a writer some day dims with each passing sunset. I think writing should be a hobby that relieves the stress that I have encapsulated in my life. Its like a pressure relife valve when my brain is fucking tired of holding on to these never ending thoughts. random tangential thoughts, like why the fuck do i have to pay "convience fees" when i pay a bill online? its fucking easier for the biller to recieve the payment electrconically than it is to go through the process of cashing a check... so why do i have to pay a fee to make it easier for them to recieve my payment?..fucking morons...but i digress.
I'm not sure where i am going tonight, i am a bit all over the place. but the point is i have written something in this fucking snuff mag. and i wan to change the topne and I want to write more and I will. Its just fucking tough man, when you are always on the run. At the very least I am covid-19 vaccinated now, and I have taken the masks off for most of this world, and for the first time in said 18 months, I feel kinda normal again. I guess it's time to start moving forward again., even if it is painstakingly uncomfortable to begin with, we must start moving forward again.
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...Eyes wide open, the 2020 finale

Listen I can't always promise to update on time. I just sort have been running out of words, and repeating dullness blinds my heart. I have nothing fun and cool and interesting to inspire me. I just have the endless never ending on and on that is life in a pandemic. I feel like I should tell you about some grand plan or new exciting adventure, or some girl I saw at the gym...but I didn't and it's nothing and nothing is happening. I haven't been to the gym since March. I just sort of sit here and watch TV shows and wait. but it's like sitting in a waiting room where there's literally nothing that you are waiting for, it's just wake, eat, drink, sit, wait, then sleep, then another day passes and on and on and on... It's kind of amazing and terrifying at the same time. IDK, what am I going to do through all this shit.
Is this the way the world works? Believing all this dis-information crap?
We are a broken lost flustered group of over-developed apes.
I was walking out of wegmans the other night and this old guy in the parking lot was in a "joking" mood and said "WO WO WO this is my lane" A clear knock at the concept of social distencing. and I get the joke, and I said yea yea i know, through my mask, sick of 50 year olds who think they are fucking hilarious. Like this is all a fucking phase. As we crack at the seams. They announced 55 new deaths today and these mother fuckers got jokes. ITs currently 1:40am on 12/31. I'm half way through a bottle of jack daniels and there's no end in sight for this night. And this mother fucker's got jokes.
Imagine being able to tell your grandkids that you survived the year 2020. They will ask you how you did it and you will stare at them in puzzlement and just say..honestly son IDK. I just kept wearing a mask and it kept working. I don't want to talk about viruses next year, I want to talk about what comes next. You know that time in a book where everything just feels completely broken and unfixable and done. The darkness has won and we are all doomed! DOOMED I Tell you! ...Well it always seems that once you hit the darkest part of the darkest night..that's when you see the light. That's when the tide finally turns in one incredible moment and the good guys start to finally win again. Will that happen? IDK, but I just hope 2021 has more good news. I hope the good guys start winning, and things start to finally move in the right direction. I'm sick of seeing death updates on my phone and covid updates on my phone and case counts and blah blah blah.
I know it's not going to be instant. I know it's still months and months away from starting to turn the tide. And i know januaray is going to be rough and all but fuck me man, Just get it on with. Lets make some moves and see where we go from here. 2020 is about to be the first year of my life where I never left the state of New york. I mean my entire life this year could probably be encapsulated by a rough 40 mile circle on the map. I really didn't go anywhere except work and my parents and my house , and the damn grocery store I got nothing to talk about and it's never been this way for as long as I can honestly claim.
So in closing of this disjointed, fucked up journal entry, I can honestly say. i made it through this year. As did you dear reader as you read these words waiting for the next next...the page turn and the resurgence of the light. I hope all is well and your isolation of bored has not consumed you. I hope the government hasn't fucked you too hard, and the jokes of a 50 year old hasn't broken your spirit. I hope you made enough coin to pay your bills and I hope you smiled more than you cried. Or maybe even stevens is ok too. while the sun shines and the snow falls and the days roll into another year. One more tick on the gravestone comes before we fade away. I just want to feel a love within mine. A I continue to argue with my mother about another day. About how I didn't get laid, or make her more grandkids this year. As we just continue to move on, through the special rift of time and space and whatever we call this life. I'm drinking whiskey by myself on New years eve, and I might not be happily in love, but I'm alive, so that at least is enough tonight. I still have breath and that means i still have time.
Time to make this all make sense. Time to figure out what could come next. Time to become. That which I always thought I could become. Before it all crashes down around me in a band or a muffled puff of  life. What ever happened. Happenes.
Eyes wide open
naked as we came
one will spread our
ashes round the yard.
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    Naked as we came = Iron & Wine
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...Ill send my best regards

i think i'm ready to remember
To try and put the pieces of this photograph together
There are things that were left out before
but i need to come clean
I dreamed about making you happy
in the beginning and through to the end
that was truly the only goal
To wake and see you smile as another day dawns
I admitted a lot of my faults and tried to hold the sand in my hands,
while a downpour of doubt did flow
Watching my creation crumble like god in his cathedral,
as eve and the apple did show,
Deceit, lies, and videotape,
I was drunk for 3 years in a row
I yelled out my lungs at empty white walls, for not being you
I cried in the soundless darkness of night
I thought about god, and I tried to believe in your soul
I ran...I ran miles and miles and miles, and the stress
poured through my pores. Nothing worked.
One night I was at a concert. in downtown buffalo
And this other dude pushed me,
I turned and lost my shit, I punched him as hard as i could, and he flew back into a mosh pit,
I don't know where he went,
He just sort of disappeared into the blackness of the night
and i sat there in Ares mad flaming rage!
Boiling heat and heart and piss and spite, and
I just wasn't ready, for this
for any of this.
kill the boy
become the man
I was a traitor to my own self.
and old man introspection has taught me a lot.
The broken nature of life, and how this is it.
I have learned that my story isn't actually unique.
That we are all walking around broken on the inside for one reason or another.
A life filled with the eventual realization,
that it's all going to be gone
soon enough son, soon enough for sure.
Every day had a beginning, middle and end.
It's like a microcosm for everything we do, perpetually learning that this is it. it's over. good night.
Angels sing and good gods rage,
and us mortals must just make fair.
Try to make the moments mean something,
Eternally inward, yet endlessly, looping
outward now more and more
consuming our simple world.
Into you fear,
and anger the darkness comes.
You are going to lose, that's just how the world is done.
In winter of 2010. I was sitting in my car
It was 11pm on a random friday night
my shift at the fast food joint had just finished
I was in the driveway of my parents house
and i couldn't get out of the car.
I just sat in the driver seat and cried
I was giving up. I was ready to give up.
I had no fight left in me.
It was the bottom of the well
I had finally arrived
At the metaphorical end of my rope.
that night, is one that will be played in the replay of my life.
Because as I sat there in the darkness,
no money, no clue, no fight left,
A simple song suddenly came on the radio
I had not even realized the radio was still playing,
until suddenly like the voice of god,
one song came on.
it was "Love, come save me"
by "Right away great captain"
I sat in silence as a 3 minute song, proceeded revive my soul
Within one month I quit that shitty job.
Broke up with a girl who just didn't love me
The girl I used to replace the first one.
and applied to go back to grad school
All these decisions, I can see now, while sitting here in the future,
It righted the ship.
I actually got an internship in engineering too that following summer.
It was a marching band thunder that started to move me forward.
Nothing is perfect of course,
The lessons learned are always there, and the themes haven't changed.
THis present day finds me still trying to figure out how to open the heart again,
To breath new life into the routine of adult life,
where 8 years have passed so fast I feel like I should be looking into retirement homes
But one night where the fight left my lungs
is one night I still dream of.
starving for a chance to prove I could make it.
Starving for an opponent to chose me as a worthy adversary
To step into the ring and FIGHT!
One night, where if that song hadn't played, i may have given up
and I don't know what world that decision would have led to.
and honestly i don't want to know.
kill the boy
become the man
Play the game, and smile at the scene,
we're all just lost in eternity.
Hoping for a pay raise, and a simple smile,
to wake up next to.
chin up kid,
the bell is about to DING
another round is in store.
win or lose,
the fact you still have fight left in ya
is a victory unto itself.
good night.

...memories from a pandemic

It was about two months ago now that this all started. We saw on the news pictures of long lines at grocery stores. It was sort of a weird moment, because I remember them saying there was only like 6 confirmed cases in Rochester at the time. 6 people are sick and now I can’t buy toilet paper? The news was a bunch of nonsense fear mongering bullshit that everyone said was political, was a bunch of ppl trying to save face, or just a bunch of folks in stark disbelief that this could "happen here". And well...it did.
So they closed everything down. Everything shuttered, except your essential businesses. got to eat, got to shit, got to gas your car to go nowhere. got to drink. and drink and drink and drink... this was about March 15 - 30th time frame. Cases climbed. every 24hrs the numbers doubled, or tripled, and the amount of people in hospitals skyrocketed. and it was here. The game was on, the show had started the lights were up, and the stage was set...
That first weekend I remember sitting in the parking lot of Wegman’s at about 7pm on a Saturday. I had no food in my house, had to get the chores and continue to daily grind like it’s just another Saturday. the ROUTINE must revolve and roll and roll. I was watching people with packed carts walk through the lot like images in a sort of disaster movie. Now remember, no one was social distancing yet. No masks, no hand sanitizer, just a bunch of folks rolling the dice that those germs weren't here yet. I was walking down the aisle looking for my usual stuff, seeing nothing but empty shelves. The place literally looked like it had been looted, except there was nothing on the floor. Not a single scrap wasted. With each aisle I walked down, people would avoid eye contact with me. No one was talking it was as if we were all ashamed, we were all un-prepared. And it hit me finally, then as I walked down my 7th or 8th aisle. I realized I was no longer shopping for what I wanted to buy. I was just trying to find something I could eat. It was the moment I realized this was real life, and this was really happening.
The first week of work after it started, was unusual. Half the plant telling me it still just a stupid political ploy. Half saying the government can't dictate to us like this because we’re American and FREEDOM and EAGLES and shit. It’s amazing how grown ass men who live and work daily in a very strict corporate structure have no problem conforming to these "private business" rules, yet tell them it’s the big bad government telling them what to do and they are all ready to dress up like fucking Indians again and throw tea in the bay to prove a point. Public safety plays second fiddle to certain in-alienable rights. I guess? I’m sure those who have died from this would trade wearing a fucking mask for one more day of living. just my opinion. I don’t talk politics much, but sometimes this America likes to show its true colors of just how many big dumb bastards we have per capita. and its fucking frightening.
This has become the last two months. I now wear a mask made of some kind of cloth every day at work. I was deemed "essential" by my corporate overlords, so I haven't missed a single shift in 2 months. Manufacturing toner, the most crucial of supplies in this pandemic of worldly proportions. two months of coming to work with about 40 - 50 ppl coughing and sneezing and saying their fine, and not sick , and everything is fine, I just need to punch that clock, and go home and come back and go home and come back, and on and on, till the bars open again, and everything just goes back to the way it has always been. If you are keeping track at home that first bit was a bit sarcastic, our warehouse is nearly filled to the brim with toner cartridges that no one is taking. I guess no one here thought about the fact that if schools are closed, and no one is commuting to offices, and no one is printing out homework assignments and copying legal proceedings, maybe the already dwindling demand for this product, might just crash. And maybe we don't need to be here risking the plague to make sure you don't lose your market share. or maybe I’m just bitter cause everyone else is working from home. idk. jury is still out on this one.
Either way the stress has won. I have never been trough something so mentally challenging in my life, as the last two months have been. Every cough I have made, every dry throat clear, and allergic sneeze comes with 5 to 10 mins of wondering if this is how it begins. I spent most of March and April taking my temperature morning noon and night. It was probably my greatest stress reliver seeing that boring 97.8 degree flash before my eyes every day. As far as I know I never got sick. Even though the other part of my brain likes to think I had the virus back in January. I got sick when this lady in the office went on a cruise in mid-January and came back coughing up a lung and smiling the whole time as she would show up to work and interact with bunches of people. I came down with a cold within a week or two of her return (so did several others in the plant). It never struck me as anything more than a common cold except the fact I had a very long-lasting sore throat that came with it. This all happened way before the virus was on anyone but china’s radar, so no one thought anything of it. I spent one weekend sleeping it off and taking cold medicine and that was it. I have still to this day never been tested for anything so all I can do is speculate. It probably wasn’t it, but again the mental health side of this, one of those crutches I would leap on too was this idea I already had it, so I was immune. And it honestly helped.
So here we are, on the eve of Memorial Day weekend. Things are starting their phased re-opening around these parts as we met the state criteria to begin doing so. Its all well and good, but I won’t be taking the mask off anytime soon in public at least. I think NYS is using us as a bit of a guinea pig to see if there are spikes or the fabled “second wave” that might hit. Might as well do a trial run in a small city before letting NYC off the chains again right? Makes sense to me honestly.
I took the week off work starting today and am feeling rather light. I have no plans, no goals, no nothing to do really for the next 9 days. Just eat drink and sleep and pretend I work from home. All in all, the one small fact through all this that has kind of freaked me out, is that my day to day life has almost completely been left unchanged. Except for the fact I haven’t been to the gym in two months, and I can tell I’m getting a bit pudgy on the edges. But let’s be honest, who isn’t right now. I still go to work every day, (except now I’m working nights due to the fact we went down to a 2 shift rotation due to lack of work (lol)), I still go to Wegman’s and buy food and mow my lawn and think of things to do around the house, my gardens need some serious TLC and they are on the top of the list this week. I have played more video games in the last two months then I probably have since I was an unemployed college student with a summer off.
So, I will leave it at that. Probably try to write some more this week. I have tried several times since all this began to capture the pandemic from my viewpoint, but every time I did, I just got frustrated and felt completely burnt out. Good to see that might be improving too. Either way, ill leave it at that. Good luck everyone. Stay safe, and just ya know, wash your fucking hands, ya filthy animals.

...I'll make a beast out of myself, it get's rid of all the pain of being a man

Writing is not a skill or a commitment, or a lifestyle. Writing is just something you do when you have nothing else to do. It is something that must be done in a way. You sit there and you stare at a wall and the wall makes you mad for some reason, but you cant really explain the wall. You just sort of stare at it expecting it to talk to you. You say "Fuck you wall, why do you make me so mad!?" and the wall sits there and goes...""... and you get even madder because its just a fucking wall and you feel stupid, for arguing with the wall, yet still and all that, its really just you. Its just really you and the wall and yourself. And here we are. Drinking whiskey and coke and sitting with the walls of our lives, and that's it. No romance, no wisdom. No deep introspective reproductive, inspiring words. Just me, and this fucking multi-colored wall. And honestly that's alright.

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...the belief in the crippled god

Have you ever finished a book series and instantly become horribly depressed? not because the book was bad or anything, but because the story is over with. I just finally finished the malazan book of the fallen after probably 14 months of listening (audio books). It's all I've read for the last so many months. And it was the most engrossing fantasy book I've ever read...

This morning, 10/12 of the year 2019, i finished the 10th book, and its was beautiful, and sad, and well yea..it was over. and now all I've been able to do is be depressed all day. So many bleak realizations that these stories are done. These characters are done, these lives..basically done.!! And I'm sitting here 6 beers deep, trying to feel something other than pissed and sad and depressed at the fact these characters are gone. I've got nothing to listen to tonight, no new tales to en devour upon for the first time this year. Nothing new to embrace and no new plots to wonder upon. It's just real life and hood take me is that not bland.

i guess i thought i had something prophetic to write here, but really i'm just sad the book series is done. I've got no wisdom. no theory, no breaking ideas. Just wanted to offload some sadness into the air.

I am aware of my lack of updates. I just think i need to go about this life calmly. Hood's balls that is a terrible task...but remind me again...who are we fighting for? We are fighting for everyone!...

Hood's breath, no wonder we are losing.
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...A few days walking

Thirst upon the midnight trial.
for here is the endless night
I am aboard a fording banner.
A train of thought of something light

She asks if I could take her somewhere
Where the people don't all look the same.
In cars of leather, and frights asunder
I moved to distant cityscapes

There's nothing here but the frightening blunder
of believing your life can change my mind
A tragic end can not be avoided
a broken smile while the sun burns deep

For martyrdom for ones ideals
while vipers thirst for something real
I hate your vision of tomorrow
yet lust for skin, and touch, and zeal

Oh LORD! what have we done
please free me from this endless fall
A change in grammar for something real
but its empty, its open, its 10 cents on the video reel

I want to feel the love we lost.
To believe in more than paychecks and cable bills
I want to arm with sword and shield,
and die for something i can't feel.

I danced with the reapers ghost.
In dark rooms, alone, burnt with the frayed
strings of my life i held once so dearly
remember we once felt it here

remember we once loved to sing
in mornings, bluebirds, ringing with the sun
while smiling at the breaths we held
Now like dreams do blur to dust
I don't even recall
what I've lost

One rep into a thousand blurs the years into this soul
solid built, furious and hard
Stronger, faster, and hungry for the first soft note
I have built the world to withstand your absence
Now lingering like a dove with no goal
You are the object
the present
the load
a burden of time I have ceased to hold

O dear LORD! why do you burn
The heart was not meant to be broken from its mold!
Of Course! a loss is inevitable!
Cherish this moment in my mind, its old, its coarse, its cold

I have shown you the end, The future, the flow,
Make up your mind what matters most
the rest won't move till we expose
the tainted hardware of our souls.

...the first step is always truth

Tap, Tap, Tap...

3 recursive divisive and constant tapings. 6am, much too early for such a noise. The room is frigid cold, the wind inches beyond a wooden wall, howling for attention.

And still, a TAP TAP TAP on my window sill.

Is there no peace in this instance? The sudden onslaught of winter. The barrel of truth upon your life, as you restlessly turn over in bed, and pray for the tapping to stop. There is power in this, but we have yet to understand the moment.

It’s a series of instances. A constant continuation of moments until the reel runs out on us. It’s a clattering of taps and a moment in a minute in a month.

A smirking of alliteration, like words can capture the moment. Like there’s purpose within a few key strokes that plummet from the mouth on a somber sleeping giant. There is power there, as of yet unleashed.

yet still...TAP TAP TAP, upon a windowsill

The roots begin curling down into the earth where they say it’s still warm, where life can find a way. A way away from this howling hurling frigid wind, and a hibernation till a moment yet still not seen nor forgotten.

There is no power above you, friend. No it’s all around you. Entwined in the dirt, and mud and the grit. Encased in ice and bled out through centuries of nothing much. There is power there and there will always be, long after we are gone, the roots will continue to gnarl through the sky and defy the laws.Reach up to the power and the light and the right. Night after night after night after....

While I sleep a moment more, I am frozen in the sheets, and forgotten in the leaves. I am a monster alone in his burrow. ancient and unleashed, they do not know what has begun.

While the tapping, while the tapping, while the tapping...continues on.

They say the lake was formed when a giant dragged a frozen carcass across the land, it gorged the land and the remaining chunks of ice fell off and melted and now I swim in the spoils of death and decay. A frozen mistress to impress and the power of defying the air and space between.

A harbinger of the future always seems to come. to remind us the world doesn’t care for the frozen mysteries. The quests aren't true, the power is in your head, an aberration. A tap A tap at the ceiling of the head.

Walking down the frigid stairs removed from the warmth of my hibernation, I seek out the tapping and the source. A tiny bird, maybe the size of a pomegranate, cut in half. Landed upon a window sill, simply tapping the window, defending his territory from the reflection of himself. A sigh and how insignificant, as the monster rescinds, but wait what’s this......?

Its noon. I need to shower, and shave and eat, and get dressed, and go to work, and go to work, and go to work, and go to work, and go to work.

A barrow has power, but a world does not care, so long as there are schedules to run, and so the monster sleeps and waits, while the roots curl, while the lakes sway, while the winds hurl, and the dust remains.

...Counting whats good, to clarify the bad


um, so how are things?

good? thats good. I have been ya know...away. Far away in a mental sort of meaning. I haven't been writting. like at all. I am hurting in the back of my head something firece. Not any sort of tangible pain, but more a sort of emptiness. It hurts to say this, but i have spent at least 2 months trying to update. Trying to talk about how great life is and all that but it isn't. Its more like a dead and gone nothingness. Empty... right now, even pushing out this sort of dribble, feels like a god awful mess. Like i haven't been going to the gym and im trying to lift the big weights right off the bat, because thats what I use to do. Throw dem metaphors around boy, teach'em a thing or two!

A proper re-introduction must be in order right. i mean its been over 6 months. I dont think I have ever gone that long without posting in this journal. Part of me felt like it was over with. Time finally drained that mental fortitude from me, the circular inner monolauge of throught that goes into this process of pushing keys and formulating ideas. A stab at the nothingness around! To fill up that which we fear with the verbs and nouns of light! A message in the night, to accuse those of evil that we do not break! uhZAH! I think its was more a lacking tho, to bring this back down to real life. I needed new ideas and new plots and new voices. So i did what i use to do. I started to read again. Lots of fantasy books, read all three of the massive stormlight archive books, and the last three mistborn books (sanderson), also read the new red rising book (iron gold). I think thats it. 7 books in 6 months not bad. acctually its probably more like 9 months. I started stormlight at the end of last summer. yea ok symantics. moving along.

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I had this horrible thought about the human face. About how if i could stop time and look at my self side ways, I could somehow deconstruct the elaborate mechanisims that go into the face that I have. All the levels and pulleys would sort of be splayed out in 3D space for the world to see. A lever here to learn how to smile, and a pulley here to make sure i blink at the correct interval. and me? im just a tiny like monkey behind the scenes trying to play the role on this stage we walk. I smile when the others say so, and i sort of laugh and i joke, and make others joke, and at the end of the day i go home, job complete, look in the mirror and wonder if thats me or just the role im playing. pulleys upon pulley, reading the script and dancing to the tune. Then i punch the sink counter just hard enough so as not to break anything. The 3D splayed portrait returns to the inside of my face, and i smile and continue on with the day.

I weighed in the other day at 189lbs. I haven't broken through the 190lb barrier in years, like litterally so long that I dont even have records that go back that far. In 2010 i hit a fat peak of 240lbs. so in 8 years im down 51lbs. Thats doesnt sound like much for some reason. Seeing as i, probably due to the time frame. it wasn't a straight drop either was deffinitly so ups and downs along the way. Think of it more like watch a stock market ticker, day to day ups and downs, but the overall trend was negeetive. Had a bunch of bad habits I have had to break, and still more that need to go, but lets just focus on one problem at a time shall we. This is a good thing I have going for me. I guess you could throw in the job things too. Im coounting the good things , trying to build momentum. The Crashing comes where we go into any other topic tho. Casue outside of employment, and fitness, things are barren. But thats next. And im going to start writting more, even if it did take me 3 weeks to finish this entry. And things are going to improve, I think. I hope. Even if hope is for the birds. I will take what I can get.